An Unorthodox Poison Remedy
by The Masketta Man
Summary: After Link is shot by a soldier with a poisoned arrow, it's up to Irene to remedy the poison so that he does not succumb. With sex, of course. Rated M for smut, the teeniest bit of swearing, and a happy ending for you happy-ending-loving degenerates.


**A/N: There is criminally little Irene smut. I intend to remedy that with this. And maybe add a few more stories while I'm at it with other underrated characters.**

 **Obviously I don't own Zelda. Really, I don't know why people put disclaimers here. Trust me, no one thinks you own anything on this site but the story. However, this story is property of The Masketta Man and may not be reproduced on any website without his express written permission. Why mediocre lemon fics would be copied by people who could easily find better ones out there to steal is beyond me.**

 **Anyway, enjoy the smut- I mean, story.**

* * *

"HYAAAAT!" Link shouted as he slashed through yet another of the strange soldiers that had appeared around Hyrule earlier that day.

The green-armored foe took the hit well enough, staggering backward, but still not down. With a smirk, the being raised its blade ready to strike, but that was the only opportunity Link needed. With a stab forward, Link cut right through the soldier, causing it to dissipate in a blast of smoke.

"Ugh," he grunted, wiping his sandy blonde hair out of his face and sheathed the Captain's Sword. "Where are they coming from? Do they have anything to do with Yuga?" he wondered aloud.

A lot of people believed Link was a quiet, sometimes even silent boy. The truth was, he just preferred talking to himself compared to talking with others. _Especially_ compared to talking with the blacksmith.

Gulley's dad wasn't a bad guy, but he did have a short temper.

With a shake of the head, he returned his focus to the task at hand. The soldiers. He was _supposed_ to be heading to the Tower of Hera at the moment, to retrieve the final pendant, but circumstances forced him down to the Great Swamp, just south of his house.

And there were soldiers aplenty here.

"Forget this," he grunted, before stomping back north toward his house. Between all of the Maiamai to find, the three pendants, _and_ investigating what was going on with Yuga and the people being trapped in paintings, he hardly had time to figure out where these soldiers kept coming from.

Given that his house had a good view of the Swamp's entrance, he figured it was as good a place as any to head. And he might get an opportunity to chat with Ravio a bit about getting the bow, Tornado Wand, and other gear on a more permanent basis.

The damp ground squished underneath his feet as he tread through the tall grass, hacking some of the more obnoxious strands as he went.

 _Who puts all these rupees here?_ he wondered vaguely as a blue rupee slipped free. He could have sworn he saw a tiny, almost insect-sized human-looking being scurrying away, but before he could get a proper look, it had gone. Whatever it was, it couldn't have been important.

Not a moment too soon, he stepped free of the swamp with a sigh and another wipe of his brow, before jogging up the hill and pushing open the door.

"Welcome to Ravio's- Oh, it's you," Ravio said, having jumped up to see who his newest customer was. As soon as he saw it was Link, he plopped back down on the ground. "How're you doing, buddy?"

Link grunted.

"That bad, huh?" Ravio gave him a once over. Link was cut up in a few places, but nothing major. Just the ever-annoying crows, crabs, octorocks and soldiers. "Looking to rent something new today? Got a special on the Fire and Ice Rods. Only 50 rupees."

Link shook his head.

"Where you headed now, then?" Ravio asked, brushing back the ears on his rabbit hood in an oddly-familiar way.

Link shrugged, but then gestured northward with a careless wave of his hand.

"Hyrule Castle?"

Link shook his head again.

"Oh, the Sanctuary," Ravio dipped his head.

Link shook his head a bit more vigorously, then made a mountain-shape with his hands.

"Oh, I get it," Ravio nodded sagely. "You're heading for Lake Hylia."

Link just gave him an annoyed glare at that. Sheerow made a squawking noise, that almost sounded like amusement.

With a roll of his eyes, Link turned around. He had better things to do than sit here and let Ravio and Sheerow poke fun at him. Especially considering how today was going.

"See you later, buddy," Ravio waved at him. "Let me know how things turn out, alright?"

Link grunted again, before pushing open the door.

There was only the briefest of moments to react. A red-armored soldier was standing at his door, bow raised and arrow nocked.

"Buddy, look out!" yelped Ravio, diving away. Link, however, chose to yank the Captain's Sword free from its sheath, but that cost him precious time.

The arrow shot forward, sticking him right in the belly and sending him sprawling backward. With a growl, he yanked the arrow free, wincing as it tore the skin even more, and charged the red soldier, slashing thrice in quick succession, and banishing it back to the shadow it came from.

"Wh-what was that about?" Ravio asked, staring toward the door. "The soldiers don't normally come into buildings. They always seem to roam the same general rectangular area for some reason."

"Tch," Link hissed, grabbing at his wound.

"You okay there, buddy?" Ravio looked over.

Link shook his head frantically, suddenly realizing, he was low on life energy, and hadn't properly restocked.

"No, no you're not," Ravio dashed over, past Link, picked up the arrow, and scrutinized it. "Hylia damn it, it looks like there's a poison of some kind on the arrow."

Link just fell backward, keeping a hand firmly pressed against the wound. He could feel the sweat starting to pour down his head from under his cap.

"B-bell," he gasped.

"Bell?" Ravio tilted his head, before he noticed the bell attached to Link's belt. "What's the bell do?"

"R-ring," Link gasped again, before wincing as a wave of pain shot through him.

"I know what bells do, buddy," Ravio snapped. Sheerow squawked at him after that, which caused Ravio to cringe. "Sorry, that was uncalled for."

"Ring… it…" Link forced out.

Ravio just looked at Sheerow, who shrugged its wings. With that being all he needed, Ravio gave the bell a quick few rings, letting its clear tone echo through the air.

* * *

 _What does Green want this time?_ thought Irene as she steered the broom down out of the sky, toward the source of the bell sound.

Secretly, she was rather glad she finally had someone to spend some time with. It was rather boring with just her and Granny Maple at the shop. And the fortune teller's prediction that Green would save her from a great disaster as long as she helped him out was a good incentive too.

 _What in the Dark World is that?_ she wondered, with no small amount of confusion as she beheld a… thing wearing a purple robe with long ears, buck teeth, and great blue eyes waving up at her. _It kinda looks like a bunny._

But in its hands, it held the bell that she had given to Green.

 _Wait… did something happen to Green?_

Without waiting to see if it was safe, she shot down toward the purple thing, which she quickly realized was just a hylian wearing a costume.

"Alright, spill it dude," she said as she slid to a stop in the air. "What did you do to Green?"

"Green?" The rabbit-man rubbed under his teeth thoughtfully. "Who's Gree-" he glanced back into the house. "Oh, never mind. Stupid question. And I didn't do anything, honest!"

"Where is he?" Irene leapt off of the broom, holding onto the wide brim of her had so that it didn't fly away as she landed.

"In… in there," the purple guy gestured with his hand.

Inside the house, on his back and with a blood soaking his tunic from the front, was Green. He had a look of great pain on his face, and generally looked really beat him.

"He got shot with this," the purple guy offered an arrow to her. "Looks like it's got some kind of poison on it."

Irene took the offered arrow and inspected it. Unfortunately, she didn't recognize anything on it.

"I don't know if there is or isn't," she said, before sticking the arrow into the bristles of her broom, "but I know someone who can find out. One way or another, I've got to get him to my Granny. She can help Green out."

"Whatever you can do," the purple man said, before running back in and picking Green up.

"Here, sling him on my broom," Irene swung a leg over and patted a spot behind her. "I'll keep him nice and secure."

"Probably not a good idea. Keep the arrow wound up so he doesn't bleed out," the purple guy said. "You may want to just keep him on your lap or something.

Irene's cheeks went a bit pink, but that did seem like a good idea.

When Green was nice and secured, she lifted off, shooting up.

"Take care of Link for me!" the purple guy called after her.

"Link? Who's Lin-" she started, before looking down at Green. "Oh, never mind. Stupid question."

With a broom like her's, the flight to Granny's shop was done in a trice, and she was carrying Green into the shop only mere moments after flying away. And without waiting for Granny Maple to answer the door, she barged right in.

"GRAM!" she called.

"Right here, child," came a patient voice from somewhere behind her, to her right.

Granny Maple was there, stirring away at her pot, which was bubbling with red potion.

"I need red potion for Green here now," she held out the boy, who was still wincing and twitching in her arms.

"Oh dear oh dear," Granny Maple simply stared at the boy. "Here, go lay him on your bed, Irene. I'll have some red potion for him in a moment."

She did so, hurrying into her room and laying Green onto her bed. Green was still clutching at the wound, and but the bleeding seemed to be slowing down.

"There's… something else, too," she said, before dashing out and retrieving the arrow, which she gave to Granny Maple. "That purple guy down by the Swamp said Green got shot with this, and he thinks there might be poison on it."

Granny Maple took the arrow from her delicately, scrutinizing the tip, and then sniffing it. As soon as she did, she cringed in disgust.

"It _is_ poisoned, child. Poisoned with one of the most foul poisons ever concocted," she said with no small amount of distaste. She lifted the spoon out of her potion, ladling some of it in the process, plucked a bottle from a nearby shelf, and then poured the sample into it. "Take that to the boy and make sure he drinks it. There's still more to do, though, and you will be needed for most of it."

Irene nodded, before sprinting into her room and tipping the bottle over Green's lips, making sure he drank all of it. To her great relief, the wounds started to close, and even the arrow wound in his belly was gone in mere seconds.

"Good," she sighed in relief, wiping her blue bangs away. "You're gonna be fine."

"Not yet he's not," Granny Maple said from behind her. "This poison he's ingested was made from the blood of a Re-Dead."

"A… Re-Dead?" Irene furrowed her brow. "What's a Re-Dead? I've never heard of them before."

"A dark creature," Granny Maple shook her head. "Where Poes are the souls of evil beings brought back, and Stalfos are the reanimated skeletons of fallen beings, Re-Deads are the reanimated corpses brought back through dark magic. Their screams contain a paralyzing effect; anyone who hears it is frozen for several seconds, while the Re-Dead shuffles toward them, all so it can suck the life out of its victim, and turn it into one of them."

Irene felt a sick feeling gather in her gut at the description alone.

"Is… is Green going to be alright?" Irene asked, feeling nervousness start to mix with the disgust. If he wasn't around to save her from impending doom… was this what the fortune-teller meant by "helping green?"

"If we leave him alone? No," Granny Maple shook her head. "The poison is a slow-acting paralysis poison. It will slow the boy's body down. Every organ, every cell, everything. Slowed, until they stop entirely. Then, when the victim is completely frozen, they'll die of starvation or other causes."

Irene paled.

"But… it can be stopped," Granny Maple said in a hushed voice. "I said you were going to need to help."

"How?"

"The easiest way to counteract the poison is to keep the victim's blood flowing," Granny Maple returned to her pot. "Flowing blood will bring energy and keep everything alive and moving. Then, when the poison is weak enough, we can administer the cure and reverse any effects."

"Keep the blood flowing?" Irene glanced at Link, whose wound hadn't been bleeding as much when she had landed.

"Indeed," Granny Maple nodded. "Any form of exercise will suffice, but given his condition, he won't be able to do it himself. You will need to help him."

"How?"

"Forgive my bluntness, Irene dear, but sex."

"Wh-what?" Irene's face went redder than a tomato in record time, but for some odd reason, the point of her hat sprung up. "S-sex?"

"Indeed," Granny Maple nodded again. "You'll find it's most effective at circulating blood, and it's one of the few ways someone can circulate blood without relying on the other to do anything. Though I daresay after a time, the boy will start acting on his own again."

"B-but… then I've got t-to get him to Princess Z-Zel-"

"There's no time, Irene dear," Granny Maple shook her head, and her voice, most infuriatingly, seemed quite patient as usual. "It must be you. You are that boy's only hope."

Irene suddenly felt very weak at the knees.

"H-his only hope," she mumbled, before sighing, and feeling as if everything inside of her just deflated.

"Dear, don't look so dour," Granny Maple chided her. "You are doing what that fortune teller told you to, are you not? Helping green? And besides," she shrugged, "you may very well enjoy it."

"A-alright then," her voice shook with every syllable.

"Relax, dear," her Gram said. "If you hate it so much, just get it over with."

Irene barely heard a word she said after that. All she did was take a deep breath and step into her room, shutting the door behind her.

Green lay there on the bed, and to her alarm, his breathing was very visibly slowing down.

"No. no no no," Irene dashed over. "Come on, breathe," she pleaded.

But as he continued to slow down, she finally realized, she had no choice.

"Fine," she said, reaching down, pulling off her brown shoes, and tossing them aside. "Looks like I h-have no choice."

Nervously, she bit her lip as she looked down at him, his eyes clenched shut, and his hands trembling.

"We n-need to get you out of that tunic," she said, mostly to herself. With that, she pulled off his boots, exposing the white leggings underneath. After that was gone, then it was the belt. Then, she lifted him by the shoulders to get his tunic over his head.

"Din above, you could grind meat on them," someone said in a quiet voice.

...no, wait, that someone was her, drooling over his very chiseled stomach, the abs in particular. She guessed monster-fighting was great for physically toning the body. But still…

The hat was next, and then finally…

As his leggings came free, exposing him entirely to her eyes, she felt a slight quiver in her knees.

And this time, it was not from nervousness.

His manhood was there, flaccid as to be expected, but it looked… passable, she supposed. Supposedly the male average was around six inches, and while he was in his late adolescence, he was right at that mark, she guessed. Perhaps the rather modest bush of brown hair around it made it look smaller than it actually was.

"...right," she sighed. "Now… now me."

With a gulp, she reached down and grasped the hem of her robe, and yanked it upward, exposing her smallclothes. Once her robe was tossed to the side, her hat caught up in it, she undid the strip of cloth supporting her breasts with trembling hands, letting them free.

She figured they probably didn't compare much to other hylian women. They were about a handful for her, and no more. Perhaps it was a blessing that Green was asleep. He wouldn't get to see her embarrassment.

Once it was free and tossed onto the pile of clothing, she slid her undergarment down her legs as well, and kicked it onto the pile.

Now, she was just as naked as him. Unlike Link, she took the time to trim down below. Her mound had a small patch of blue hair, but otherwise, was smooth and flawless.

And it was starting to dampen.

"M-maybe this won't be so bad," she reasoned, before crawling onto the red covers of her bed and straddling Green's legs.

He seemed to be calming down. Perhaps it was the poison. Perhaps it was the red potion easing his pain. In any case, it mattered little, but it did calm her down quite a bit, seeing him at peace.

 _He's cute when he sleeps_ , she thought absently, before reaching a trembling hand out and grasping his manhood.

 _So warm…_

It felt… nice. Really warm, kinda squishy, but… comforting in a way.

 _Now… I have to stroke you._

Very tentatively, she raised her hand up, sliding the inside of her hands along his shaft and taking great care to rub against his glans, and brought it back down.

Inside of her hand, it twitched. Subtly, but it very definitely twitched.

 _Good. So… more?_

Her next few strokes were just as tentative as her first, but she began to notice that it was gradually hardening under her ministrations. And to add to that, there was a tiny drop of clear liquid just leaking from the slit at the head.

 _His natural lubricant,_ she observed, before using her thumb to rub it into the skin.

 _That_ got a groan out of Green. Irene felt a small smile form on her face. _Enjoying yourself?_

Now, her stroking slowed, replaced more by rather vigorous rubbing. Green's face contorted and his groans became a bit more audible at that, leaving Irene feeling immensely satisfied at her handiwork.

 _Maybe Gram was right. Maybe this won't be so bad._

It wasn't long before his rod was standing at full mast, tall and proud. She noticed that it was just a tad longer than her initial guess, but that only served to stoke the smoldering heat in her lower belly.

And to add to her good feelings, she could see that he was breathing faster, and his heart was beating at a normal pace again. Normal, non-active. It would appear the poison was still working slowly within him, but perhaps she was doing enough to counteract it just a bit.

"Gonna be a tight fit," she muttered to herself, raising herself up and scooching forward to line him up with her entrance, which was now sopping.

A sudden wave of nervousness washed over her. She hadn't done this with anyone before. Supposedly it hurt the first few times. Her hymen had been torn in an accident a long time ago, so there shouldn't be a worry about that… right?

 _Just get it over with_ , her mental voice told her, and she decided to obey. With grit teeth, she pressed against his head, feeling it start to push into her just a bit. At once, a wave of pleasure shot up her spine from that alone.

"Ah!" she gasped, momentarily losing concentration and sliding down just a bit more, only adding to it. In no time at all, she was halfway down, and not a single moment of pain.

 _I guess… no pain?_

Emboldened by that, she pushed her hip down even more, finally meeting his with a meaty _slap!_

"Gah!" she yelped as she felt an even stronger burst of pleasure. "Might need to take it s-slow," she told herself, her breaths coming in deep gasps. Already, a light sheen of sweat had started to form on her skin, making it glisten in the faint sunlight filtering in from the curtain-covered window.

Suddenly, she felt fingers on her thighs. With a gasp of surprise, she looked down.

Green was awake. Still hazy, based on his half-lidded eyes, but he was conscious, and his hands had gripped her thighs.

"Wha…?" he whispered, but she leaned forward and placed a finger on his lips, her earrings dangling beside her cheekbones.

"Shh," she pressed her finger in. "Don't exhaust yourself, Green. Let me do the work."

With that, she returned to an upright position, and pushed herself up.

Her vagina seemed to whine in protest as his rod left her. It clenched, trying desperately to keep it within her, but she continued to lift up until she was at the very tip. Then, she thrust herself back down again.

"AAH!" she almost screamed. It was the strongest burst yet.

Green's thumbs set to stroking her thighs, as if encouraging her. _You're doing great_ , they told her. With a tired smile, she lifted herself up again, and then dropped down again, this time containing her exclamations to a simple hiss.

It took some time, but she was finally able to establish a rhythm, bouncing up and down on his thighs, while her breasts lightly shook with each impact of her butt on his own thighs.

They didn't seem to deter Green in the slightest. On the contrary, his hands, once they had found their strength, had started to trail up her belly, briefly tickling her navel to her slight amusement, before settling on each one and starting to squeeze and rub, adding to the sensations Irene was experiencing.

It felt like forever that they went at it like this, until finally, Green seemed to meet his second wind. With a slight growl, he shifted both of them. Now he was on his knees, thrusting into her as she rested on her back, watching him pound away, and leaving her free to experience all of the sensations and voice all of her pleasure.

"Oh!" she yelped as he hit a particularly pleasurable spot within her. "C-close!"

"M-me too," Green grunted. She had never heard his voice before. It sounded sweet, and she smiled to herself.

Finally, with a cry, she felt the dam of pleasure that had been building up over the past several minutes burst. She felt the sensations inside of her explode into fireworks, and she screamed, her thighs clenching around his waist as he continued to thrust away.

"Gonna… cum…" Green grunted.

"Y-yes," she gasped weakly, very sensitive from her climax, as his thrusts grew wild. "I-inside!"

Whether he heard her or not, he didn't show. Finally, with a yell of pleasure, he buried himself inside of her as far as he could go and exploded. She gasped as she felt his hot seed shoot inside of her, pooling in her womb and leaving her feeling… full. That was the right word.

As he collapsed on top of her, her breasts sandwiched between them, she snaked her arms under his own and held him close as he let out shaky and tired breaths.

"We're gonna have to do that some more," she said, noticing that her legs had crossed and were holding his hips close to her's.

"I… I can d-do that," Green said, sounding extremely tired and distant. "Just… let me sleep…"

"Sorry, no can do," Irene smiled dreamily despite herself. "We've g-got to keep at it till the poison's gone."

"Oh," Green replied simply, evidently not sure what to say. "C-can I rest though?"

"Y-yeah, take your time," she unhooked her legs and let him fall backward, unplugging her entrance and letting the seed he had shot within her trickle out.

They spent several minutes sitting there quietly, before Green suddenly let out a chuckle.

"What?" Irene asked, looking up at him.

"N-nothing," he said, shaking his head. "'S just, this is probably the best wake-up I've gotten in years."

"Irene felt her dreamy smile return. "I can do it some more if you'd like. After today, I mean."

"Think I'd like that," Green said. "Soon as the poison's gone, that is."

"Yeah," Irene sat up, brushing sweaty blue bangs away from her face. "So, round two?"

"Soon as I'm up for it," Green said, gesturing at his groin, though to his surprise, it had started to harden again. "Wait, what?"

"Red potion does that," Irene shrugged. "Stimulates recovery of all forms. Now then," she got onto her hands and knees and crawled toward him as his manhood grew tall once more, "where were we?"

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you for reading. Let me know how I did in the reviews. What can I improve on? What did I do right? Think I could have done a better ending given enough time, but I just anted to get this out while I was still invested.**

 **Anyway, may your pants stay dry, may your dreams be wet, and may dozens of Malons fuck thee to thy orgasm.**


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